Lines

this just in ... hamster on piano

2008-11-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

I always hated when my mom put popcorn on the piano. Especially kettle corn. Every time I finished a piece she'd make me get up and tune the strings again. But she had such bad performance anxiety - she could only practice while I was lying on the piano eating popcorn.

I was trained to rely on popcorn to develop my skills as a pianist from a young age as well. In this picture, I'm sitting on 6 lbs of popcorn really practicing. The grease was burning through my diaper and it was really hard, but my love of the arts prevailed and I persevered.

this just in ... puppies

2008-11-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Webcam chat at Ustream

G'damnit ... why did I start a blog and not a live puppy cam? Trumped again.

Does anyone have a webcam I can buy for cheap? I just ... I want you to be able to start watching my parrot, I guess. Can you call me if she acts up? Thanks.

PS - if I were to start a live stream of me and my friends sleeping together wearing furs it would be called porn and I'd be scandalized and probably fired from my job ... that's just not fair. Puppies get away with everything.

My thoughts on the most bobbliest of bobblehead models

2008-09-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

I should feel bad since she clearly has multiple sclerosis, but ... well ... I don't. I never thought she'd get a job after being fired as Gwen Stefani's harajuku body-double. Boy was I wrong.

Should plastic bobbleheads really be drinking martinis? Or maybe that's hot wax in that glass ... she probably took it from the set of "Living La Vida Loco" - (she was in that right?) I hope that it will cure her of the blood deficit in her legs...

She is a phoenix rising though ... b/c I heard she passed away when she got tasered and fell from that building earlier this week

but she's still around cuz I think I saw her riding one of her bikes around MePo (The Meat Depot) yesterday

I wonder how much she gets paid to be an Easter egg at children's parties?

I used to have Easter egg hunts for my birthday, but I bet we wouldn't have been able to afford Laura Hollins ... oh oops I mean Aggy though.

But Aggy is sooo original ... there has never been anyone like her before!

She's made us all stronger ... and sales at Claire's / The Icing have really peeked which is great for my stocks!!!

Can you spot our potential VP?

2008-09-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Mother?

Moose hunter?

Maverick...

Here we go again ...

2008-08-26T11:09:00.001-07:00

Asians Performing Magic at the Olympics

2008-08-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not referring to the 13-year-old wonder goddesses of China. This is not a public service announcement about child labor gymnastics.

However, I'm appalled that several Asians seem to be zooming through the Olympics by utilizing various magical powers. This isn't Hogwarts ... it's Beijing. Where does integrity remain if not in a communist nation?

Here are some prime examples of Asian Magicians at the Olympics. Please note, that clearly levitation is a learned art in schools - along with penmanship.

(As you can see, this isn't the first year the Asians delved into dark arts for victory at any cost.)

Maybe the Americans should spend less time blowing coke and more time training with David Blaine and Criss Angel - or maybe that's where the habit comes from?

I will try and update this as Asians continue to call upon sorcery and ancient trickery to conquer the games.

Welcome Home

2008-07-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

I wasn't so sure about this place until I saw the bottom-left photograph. That kitty sure is cute! I wonder if I get the mouse too? I kind of hope the place doesn't already include mice. And cheap China Town food?! Who knew?! I'm so tired of paying $5 for dumplings! Visit soon ... and don't mind the piss in the hallway ... it dries before you know it.

I found out last night that the assistant before me lives on the UES in a studio where she shares a bathroom in a hallway with a man who "entertains" frequent "visitors." I need to seriously look into this whole whore thing I keep hearing about ... a truly beneficial and lucrative business. No babies included, please.

$1495 / 1br - ***Beautifully Renovated small 1 br - 2 rooms studio-asap*** (Nolita / Bowery) (map)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: yelena@hartdiamond.com
Date: 2008-07-29, 8:41AM EDT

All renovated bright small 1 br - big bedroom with closet and window.
Separate kitchen withroom for kitchen table , all brand new appliances,hardwood floors,
full new bathroom. Steps from trains and cheap China Town Food.
Also other studios and 1 brs available from $1500 and up in LES & East Village.
Call & see it today ----646-645-9833-------

pell at bowery google map yahoo map

There's always this place if the "gem" above doesn't come through: $1695 / 1br - SCREAMING FUNSHINE!/largeBRIGHTWINDOWS/COOL-pre-war/new kitch&bath/lau (East Village)

SCREAMING FUNSHINE FOR ONLY $1695????!!!??!!! WOWEY WOW!!!

Ms. Leo: A Nursery Rhyme

2008-07-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Ms. Leo lived in a brothel,
ruffles on her collars
and the corners of her dollars.
She collected acrylic butterflies -
tiny, cracked wings so still
in shiny cases on the windowsill.
She hummed unwritten tunes
to the lake gliding loons
dreading Autumn’s chilling numb,
as their departure would soon come.

Ms. Leo never wore her do undone,
her curls pushed high in a strangling bun.
She kept net bonnets for cooking dinner
her once thick hair grew quickly thinner.
Minced meat pea and plenty of rye
she sipped chilled wine,
nothing fancy but just fine.

At the strike of 9 then 10 then 2
she applied her cheeks with deep, red rouge
and buckled up her high heeled shoes.
Ears fastened tight with her finest gems
and Vaseline lotion smoothing her limbs,
she walked into the dim lit den
to wait in line for paying men.

She purred and cooed with all her might
to rid them of their appetites -
one then another, but never more than twice -
for Ms. Leo led an honest life,
and certainly she was no man’s wife.

Macintarnish: A Silent(ish) Film Tribute to the Numbered Days of Our Most Beloved Lover

2008-07-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Lollipops a Menace to Innocense or Suckers: A Serious Female Addiction

2008-07-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Once a simple, childhood treat ... the lollipop is now the 21st Century's most notorious lady killer. It's no surprise, but no less saddening, that such a sugary delight has become one of my generations most sought after sexual icons.

Take a look at the phenomenon's humble beginnings:

A leisurely afternoon snack has become a favorite fetish for deviants and predators:

Even worse, it is a life threatening addiction for many of Hollywood's most fragile stars:

... so daunting it drags their love ones down the same path:

This candy is rapidly souring our youth ... look at this little girl's harrowing portrayal of early childhood addiction and her devastating withdrawal symptoms as her drug of choice is torn from her mouth, leaving her naked and thrashing:

This shocking cartoon depicts how one devil possessed lollipop turned a preteen boys fingers into tiny penises:

In response to this growing epidemic, several religious groups have been working hard to reclaim the innocent treat's identity ... hoping to purify and thus save the delicacy.

I certainly hope they act fast as this unparalleled threat to chastity has exceeded our borders and has already made it's way to certain parts of Asia and even France!:

This earth-shattering addiction is most rampant among females, and men continue to glorify and exploit this devastating truth by further solidifying us as sexual objects.

Here are just a few music videos that support this theory:

Saddening evidence of women victimized by their disease when tempted with the promise of fame one lollipop at a time:

America's perversion of a favorite childhood numnum through pop culture brainwashing tactics must be stopped!

If you or someone you know has a problem putting down the sucker he or she may be seriously addicted or on a dangerous path to becoming a nymphomaniac. With your love and concern, you could help stop another life from being ruined by lollipops.

SOMEONE HELP KARL LAGERFELD!!!

2008-07-02T18:52:00.001-07:00

Why the hell did they open the lost ark with Klag in the room?

This sucks ... now who's going to carry-on the legacy of pleated, leather bags with gold chain straps? - oh ... nevermind.

In other news ... Klag has eye balls? NEAT!

This pic is also concrete evidence that Klag's face has actually been melting off since the 80s.

Where's the Hamburglar when you need him?

2008-06-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

PARIS - men's fashion week ss09, 06/27/08 - from The Face Hunter

First, let me start by saying that I haven't wanted to cut myself in a warm bathtub this badly since I heard they weren't making any new episodes of Saved by the Bell.

I never thought I would hate Paris. This guy has raped me of the joy I find in reminiscing about strolling the streets with a hot and crusty crepe in hand. Now I can only envision myself standing in the far corner of the alleyway behind him throwing up blood and Dashboard Confessional records. Why is he Golden Girls on top and Vampire Weekend on the bottom?

Damn these 5-0 pigs for arresting Ronald. If they weren't such sausages they'd realize Ron was just TO'd because his burger got got.

I was really counting on the ole gang to bring the rain on this guy. They may look cute and fluffy, but that's just b/c they're jacked on coke and ready to ride.

I-just-DK, y'all ...

This mutant humanoid is the reason I've decided to become on advocate of global gentrification.

Word to that ...

Things I want to give Sufjan Stevens:

2008-06-24T13:53:00.001-07:00

1) An amp
2) Balls
3) A light-up globe with North America cut-out.
4) Angel wing tattoos on his shoulder blades (does he already have these?)
5) Balls
6) An "oops!" baby (Pitchfork spoof not included)
7)
8) An addiction to a hard drug, but not hard enough to get him on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab
9) Balls
10) A poopie diaper (see: #7)
11) Normal human vocal chords
12) A handjob

Things I want to ungive Sufjan Stevens:
1) Gimmicks
2) The shivering boy he's hiding in his basement
3) A clitoris (see: previous post)
4) A mop (see: #10 via #7)
5)

Fruit of the Loom

2008-06-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

Oh okay. Now I get it.

A Prime Example of Why I Hate Being Scotch-Irish

2008-06-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Everything about this is perfect. I'll go out on a delicious muffin-top limb and say it's transcendental. I'm floating outside myself wearing a much darker skinsuit and slapping my own ass.

Not Sexy:

OMG - Woah - Sexy:

Thank goodness for spray-on ethnicity.

Myspace prooves superior in friendship strengthening capalitites once more aka Top 10 Reasons Why Maggy and I Have an Unbreakable Bond of Friendship

2008-06-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

Original Text:
top 10 reasons suzanna best is lame!!
Current mood: ninja

1. she goes on peoples blogs and tears them up completely
2. she tries really hard to wear the cutest/coolest clothes out of everyone on the earth.
3. she makes fun of blogs when SHE HAS HER OWN!!and its super WITY
4. she dyes her hair blonde
5. she listens to REALLY hip and cool obscure music.
6. she hates dogs and lives in a big city so it works out PERFECT
7. she is terrified of plastic bags and yells at you if you try and give her one and cowers in a corner crying!
8. she is too cool to take pictures of touristy/untouristy shit in a city! gotta keep that "i dont care bout nothin'" image going.
9. she cries every night STILL begging for Tupac to come back and lay by her side.
10. shes emo

i hope my currently playing is hip enough for me to be listening to! i think im going to go drink some tea by myself and give my dog her acne medicine and step in dog shit again like last night in my bare feet and treat my chiggers. get ready n ashville here i come. nashville NOT new york!! BOOOO NEW YORK!

Translation:
Let's recap -
1. I grammatically improve upon my friend's blogs
2. I enjoy being an individual and I am mindful of all other cultures in that persuit
3. My blog is super wit(T)y
4. I like to have a good time
5. I have refined musical taste
6. I help the environment by using public transportation and not owning a pest
7. I help the environment part II
8. My visual capacity is strong enough to maintain moments that may proove to be fleeting for the average, unattentive passer-by. Also, I am carefree.
9. I am eternally loyal and passionate about the ones I love
10. I am sensitive, attentive and intune with my emotions

Thanks again, Maggy. Your unfaltering love and encouragement have made me who I am today (see 1 - 10 for explanation of who I am today). I have learned yet another valuable lesson from you through your financial aptitude as you know that by signign a lease in Nashville ... you are indeed moving there and not New York City. Enjoy your tea and I llve you with all of my heart.

I got it from the Russians

2008-06-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

Professional Translations

2008-06-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Original Text:it was a fabulous night.
The night before was just insane though.
We went to THE SOCIAL HOUSE, its a sushi restaurant at TI, we got the "CELEBRITY DINNER", its usually $200 a person, 6 course dinner with flowing sake, we payed $50 a person, then we went to PRIVE, got a table and bottles, closed it down, then went to SEEMLESS, and club/strip club and we were there till 8:30, brody jenner was in the booth next to us, and then we went to Mcdonalds and crashed ! lol

Translation:
It was a pre-fabricated, unoriginal night.
The night before was a complete gang bang including my wallet and my credit card.
We went to CAN YOU HEAR ME- OH GOD AM I COOL? , it’s a stereotypical sushi restaurant on the west coast, we got the "I'M A NOBODY AND I HATE IT SO I'LL SPEND MONEY LIKE I'M ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING DINNER," its usually incredibly over-priced for tiny pieces of raw meat on cheap rice one after the other with I still piss my bed, we payed too much per person considering the table of pretentious douche bags, then we went to I KEEP READING ABOUT THIS IN THE TABLOIDS B/C PATHETIC WANNABES ARE HAVING A BLAST HERE, got a table and bottles b/c I had $900 worth of hair gel working, they kicked us out, then went to PERVERT, and the only time I'll ever see titties club and we were there until most American children are waking up to get a legitimate education and make something of themselves, a D-list nobody was in the booth next to us, and then we went back to where we belonged- mcdonalds

Original Text II:
the amount of dates i have gone on is insane.
(2:25:54 PM): and im feeling pretty good.
i got wound up in the emotion of the concert, the music, garth brooks, it was the emotion. Then my ego got involved. And thats what made it difficult

Translation II:
The amount of date-rape pills I have bought is lethal
(2:25:54 PM): and im running out fast
I got blue balls like you wouldn't believe, the manpants, Chris Gaines, it was the thought of his package. Then my hand got involved. And that’s what made it blow.

XXX BLOGUENDOS XXX

2008-06-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

1. She was really boring, so I just went home and blogged.
2. Oops - I just got my blog stuck on your screen.
3. His blog is huge - he's practically a celebrity.
4. Just let me know before you blog.
5. I thought about you while I was blogging.
6. He only has one blog. He used to have two, but one was kind of a dud.
7. I didn't want him to see my blog, so I blacked-out the monitor.
8. I don't like the way he watches me blog.
9. He's just so good in blog.
10. I thought he was amazing until I saw his blog.
11. She's not that picky. She's blogged for tons of people ... guys and girls.
12. I got a new blog ... it only takes me 2 minutes to upload now.
13. He told me I needed to spend more time on his blog.

Easy ways to get comfortable with your blog!

Little Sammy and Little Sally learn about the blogs and the keys!

Thomas blogged with three girls at once!

Anyone can blog.

If you're feeling nervous - have someone you love help you relax before you blog.

If you still find it difficult to blog - don't be afraid to ask for help keeping in mind that there are plenty of anonymous helplines.

Finally, make sure your mouse is securely plugged in. Then, move it around slowly until you hit the right blogspot.

ENJOY!

Simple Mathematics

2008-06-03T06:41:00.001-07:00

Lingualution

2008-06-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

IDK - my bff Jill?
IDK - my bff Jill?
IDK - my bff Jill?
IDK - my bff Jill?
IDK - my bff Jill?
IDK - my bff Jill?

Here goes ...

2008-05-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

I fixate on things. Habits. The order of things mostly... wake up, put the coffee on, take a shower: wash face, wash hair, soap, shave, lotion, watch an episode of Saved by the Bell ... avoid MTV and that god-awful "Take me away ... a sweet escape" song. I used to fixate on xanga. Yeah, I said that. Deal with it. I fixated on Brian Eno's "Sombre Reptiles" for way too long ... or wait ... yeah, I'm still stuck on that song. Because - well - it's perfectly one of the most perfectly simple perfect songs ever. I fixate on phrases ... you know ... like Donnie Darko. I don't mean that. Well, I mean that I fixate on phrases, but not like Cellar Door. I love the idea of lines right now ... but not cocaine y'all. Circles are way overrated and lines are the quickest route between A and B ... where does a circle get you? Uh, right back where you started. I think the infinite nature of lines is quite frankly the most amazing and terrifying thing. Plus, blood lines ... thanks, Faulkner ... thanks every royal family ever.

Good lord ... I shouldn't have started a blog again.