Professional Translations

Original Text:it was a fabulous night.
The night before was just insane though.
We went to THE SOCIAL HOUSE, its a sushi restaurant at TI, we got the "CELEBRITY DINNER", its usually $200 a person, 6 course dinner with flowing sake, we payed $50 a person, then we went to PRIVE, got a table and bottles, closed it down, then went to SEEMLESS, and club/strip club and we were there till 8:30, brody jenner was in the booth next to us, and then we went to Mcdonalds and crashed ! lol

Translation:
It was a pre-fabricated, unoriginal night.
The night before was a complete gang bang including my wallet and my credit card.
We went to CAN YOU HEAR ME- OH GOD AM I COOL? , it’s a stereotypical sushi restaurant on the west coast, we got the "I'M A NOBODY AND I HATE IT SO I'LL SPEND MONEY LIKE I'M ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING DINNER," its usually incredibly over-priced for tiny pieces of raw meat on cheap rice one after the other with I still piss my bed, we payed too much per person considering the table of pretentious douche bags, then we went to I KEEP READING ABOUT THIS IN THE TABLOIDS B/C PATHETIC WANNABES ARE HAVING A BLAST HERE, got a table and bottles b/c I had $900 worth of hair gel working, they kicked us out, then went to PERVERT, and the only time I'll ever see titties club and we were there until most American children are waking up to get a legitimate education and make something of themselves, a D-list nobody was in the booth next to us, and then we went back to where we belonged- mcdonalds

Original Text II:
the amount of dates i have gone on is insane.
(2:25:54 PM): and im feeling pretty good.
i got wound up in the emotion of the concert, the music, garth brooks, it was the emotion. Then my ego got involved. And thats what made it difficult

Translation II:
The amount of date-rape pills I have bought is lethal
(2:25:54 PM): and im running out fast
I got blue balls like you wouldn't believe, the manpants, Chris Gaines, it was the thought of his package. Then my hand got involved. And that’s what made it blow.