this just in ... hamster on piano

I always hated when my mom put popcorn on the piano. Especially kettle corn. Every time I finished a piece she'd make me get up and tune the strings again. But she had such bad performance anxiety - she could only practice while I was lying on the piano eating popcorn.

I was trained to rely on popcorn to develop my skills as a pianist from a young age as well. In this picture, I'm sitting on 6 lbs of popcorn really practicing. The grease was burning through my diaper and it was really hard, but my love of the arts prevailed and I persevered.

this just in ... puppies

Webcam chat at Ustream

G'damnit ... why did I start a blog and not a live puppy cam? Trumped again.

Does anyone have a webcam I can buy for cheap? I just ... I want you to be able to start watching my parrot, I guess. Can you call me if she acts up? Thanks.

PS - if I were to start a live stream of me and my friends sleeping together wearing furs it would be called porn and I'd be scandalized and probably fired from my job ... that's just not fair. Puppies get away with everything.

My thoughts on the most bobbliest of bobblehead models

I should feel bad since she clearly has multiple sclerosis, but ... well ... I don't. I never thought she'd get a job after being fired as Gwen Stefani's harajuku body-double. Boy was I wrong.



Should plastic bobbleheads really be drinking martinis? Or maybe that's hot wax in that glass ... she probably took it from the set of "Living La Vida Loco" - (she was in that right?) I hope that it will cure her of the blood deficit in her legs...



She is a phoenix rising though ... b/c I heard she passed away when she got tasered and fell from that building earlier this week

but she's still around cuz I think I saw her riding one of her bikes around MePo (The Meat Depot) yesterday


I wonder how much she gets paid to be an Easter egg at children's parties?

I used to have Easter egg hunts for my birthday, but I bet we wouldn't have been able to afford Laura Hollins ... oh oops I mean Aggy though.

But Aggy is sooo original ... there has never been anyone like her before!









She's made us all stronger ... and sales at Claire's / The Icing have really peeked which is great for my stocks!!!

Can you spot our potential VP?

Mother?

Moose hunter?

Maverick...

Here we go again ...

=

Asians Performing Magic at the Olympics

No, I'm not referring to the 13-year-old wonder goddesses of China. This is not a public service announcement about child labor gymnastics.

However, I'm appalled that several Asians seem to be zooming through the Olympics by utilizing various magical powers. This isn't Hogwarts ... it's Beijing. Where does integrity remain if not in a communist nation?

Here are some prime examples of Asian Magicians at the Olympics. Please note, that clearly levitation is a learned art in schools - along with penmanship.







(As you can see, this isn't the first year the Asians delved into dark arts for victory at any cost.)

Maybe the Americans should spend less time blowing coke and more time training with David Blaine and Criss Angel - or maybe that's where the habit comes from?




I will try and update this as Asians continue to call upon sorcery and ancient trickery to conquer the games.

Welcome Home

I wasn't so sure about this place until I saw the bottom-left photograph. That kitty sure is cute! I wonder if I get the mouse too? I kind of hope the place doesn't already include mice. And cheap China Town food?! Who knew?! I'm so tired of paying $5 for dumplings! Visit soon ... and don't mind the piss in the hallway ... it dries before you know it.

I found out last night that the assistant before me lives on the UES in a studio where she shares a bathroom in a hallway with a man who "entertains" frequent "visitors." I need to seriously look into this whole whore thing I keep hearing about ... a truly beneficial and lucrative business. No babies included, please.


$1495 / 1br - ***Beautifully Renovated small 1 br - 2 rooms studio-asap*** (Nolita / Bowery) (map)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: yelena@hartdiamond.com
Date: 2008-07-29, 8:41AM EDT


All renovated bright small 1 br - big bedroom with closet and window.
Separate kitchen withroom for kitchen table , all brand new appliances,hardwood floors,
full new bathroom. Steps from trains and cheap China Town Food.
Also other studios and 1 brs available from $1500 and up in LES & East Village.
Call & see it today ----646-645-9833-------



pell at bowery google map yahoo map

There's always this place if the "gem" above doesn't come through: $1695 / 1br - SCREAMING FUNSHINE!/largeBRIGHTWINDOWS/COOL-pre-war/new kitch&bath/lau (East Village)

SCREAMING FUNSHINE FOR ONLY $1695????!!!??!!! WOWEY WOW!!!

Ms. Leo: A Nursery Rhyme

Ms. Leo lived in a brothel,
ruffles on her collars
and the corners of her dollars.
She collected acrylic butterflies -
tiny, cracked wings so still
in shiny cases on the windowsill.
She hummed unwritten tunes
to the lake gliding loons
dreading Autumn’s chilling numb,
as their departure would soon come.

Ms. Leo never wore her do undone,
her curls pushed high in a strangling bun.
She kept net bonnets for cooking dinner
her once thick hair grew quickly thinner.
Minced meat pea and plenty of rye
she sipped chilled wine,
nothing fancy but just fine.

At the strike of 9 then 10 then 2
she applied her cheeks with deep, red rouge
and buckled up her high heeled shoes.
Ears fastened tight with her finest gems
and Vaseline lotion smoothing her limbs,
she walked into the dim lit den
to wait in line for paying men.

She purred and cooed with all her might
to rid them of their appetites -
one then another, but never more than twice -
for Ms. Leo led an honest life,
and certainly she was no man’s wife.

Macintarnish: A Silent(ish) Film Tribute to the Numbered Days of Our Most Beloved Lover

Lollipops a Menace to Innocense or Suckers: A Serious Female Addiction

Once a simple, childhood treat ... the lollipop is now the 21st Century's most notorious lady killer. It's no surprise, but no less saddening, that such a sugary delight has become one of my generations most sought after sexual icons.



Take a look at the phenomenon's humble beginnings:



A leisurely afternoon snack has become a favorite fetish for deviants and predators:



Even worse, it is a life threatening addiction for many of Hollywood's most fragile stars:


... so daunting it drags their love ones down the same path:


This candy is rapidly souring our youth ... look at this little girl's harrowing portrayal of early childhood addiction and her devastating withdrawal symptoms as her drug of choice is torn from her mouth, leaving her naked and thrashing:


This shocking cartoon depicts how one devil possessed lollipop turned a preteen boys fingers into tiny penises:


In response to this growing epidemic, several religious groups have been working hard to reclaim the innocent treat's identity ... hoping to purify and thus save the delicacy.





I certainly hope they act fast as this unparalleled threat to chastity has exceeded our borders and has already made it's way to certain parts of Asia and even France!:



This earth-shattering addiction is most rampant among females, and men continue to glorify and exploit this devastating truth by further solidifying us as sexual objects.

Here are just a few music videos that support this theory:







Saddening evidence of women victimized by their disease when tempted with the promise of fame one lollipop at a time:



America's perversion of a favorite childhood numnum through pop culture brainwashing tactics must be stopped!





If you or someone you know has a problem putting down the sucker he or she may be seriously addicted or on a dangerous path to becoming a nymphomaniac. With your love and concern, you could help stop another life from being ruined by lollipops.

SOMEONE HELP KARL LAGERFELD!!!

Why the hell did they open the lost ark with Klag in the room?







This sucks ... now who's going to carry-on the legacy of pleated, leather bags with gold chain straps? - oh ... nevermind.

In other news ... Klag has eye balls? NEAT!


This pic is also concrete evidence that Klag's face has actually been melting off since the 80s.